The Year My Body Didn’t Flinch

37, Still Healing, Still Here

Today I made myself an omelet. Turkey. Cheese. Nothing special. Just me at the stove, warming up to reaching 37 years.

When I cracked the egg, TWO yolks dropped into the pan.

I’ve been told that means you’re blessed, so I made a wish.

Don’t ask me what 37 means in numerology or what spiritual portal I’m supposedly entering, because I don’t have a magic answer. What I do have is gratitude. I’m thankful to be here. And when I look back at 36, I feel an unexpected mix: calmness, healthy anxiety, and excitement.

There’s also a darker part of me that wants to zoom in on what hurt. The part that still remembers how to bear burdens. The part that learned to live with one eye open. Trauma can make your mind feel like a smoke alarm that never stops chirping.

But Divine Spirit, You keep turning my face toward what’s been GOOD, and asking me to actually hold onto it. Not rush past it. Not minimize it. Not treat joy like it’s temporary.

So I’m cherishing the evidence.

I travelled to Colombia, the Carolinas, Florida, and New York. I painted. I wrote poetry. I reconnected with my illustrator for my children’s book. After almost five years, I stepped into a church I’m still attending, and it didn’t feel like obligation. I started an interest group with the help of a few faithful others. I danced in the snow with my mother-in-love. I picked up classes. I even made room for a few therapy sessions.

And I’m learning something that feels like a suture closing up an old wound: I can’t expect myself from everybody.

I don’t know what’s coming next. I don’t know what 37 will demand or deliver. I just know I’m trying to live fully, with what I have and what I’ve been given, without punishing myself for being human along the way.

Just like Nora, the main character of my children’s book, I’m finding my way home one way or another. There are lessons tucked inside my big adventure, and I’m meeting beloved friends along the way.

So here’s to an egg yolk of blessing.

I’m Devans Eli. And this is 37 years in the making.